A finished work.
Jul. 4th, 2007 10:49 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
icelightningA RETROSPECTIVE LOOK AT THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
By Thomas A. Thompson
At approximately 7:31 AM EST on Wednesday, June 13th, 2007, the last Starbucks ran out of its expensive, over-caffeinated drinks. A grossly negligent shipping error caused massed confusion a few days prior, ending with all of Starbucks' supplies being dumped in the Atlantic. Within a half hour, people began to succumb. At approximately 8:05 AM EST, the first zombie emerged from her car.
After being shotgunned down by a passing officer, an autopsy on the former Margaret Brown, 33, revealed that she had been dead for years, and the only thing that had kept her body still moving had been the two Grande Mocha Lattes she ordered every morning. A crisis was looming, as more and more formerly caffeinated bodies fell victim to a Zombie state, roaming around and attacking anyone with any sort of beverage in their hands. Because of the early morning hours, most people only had their drinks in hand and had barely drank from them, so many victims were eaten futilely, as the zombies were not returned to their former life-like states.
The President was informed of the impending crisis at approximately 10:03 AM EST whilst in a meeting with his Cabinet. Not quite understanding the situation, he asked why didn't the public just head to the privately owned coffee shops. "They would," the secret service agent reportedly said, "if they knew how to order, Mr. President."
Bush realized he needed to act quickly before the situation grew out of control. But it was already too late--Secretary of Agriculture, Michael O. Johanns, rose from his seat and lunged for the President's jugular. It was only a streak of dumb luck that saved the President from an early death--Bush merely pulled out the shotgun he always had hidden under his chair and shot the zombie in the face. "Good shooting, sir!" Cheney exclaimed, and then the Cabinet began to quickly discuss the situation at hand.
It was decided that if people could not order from their local privately-owned coffee shops, then the government would have to order for them. The Red Cross, KB Toys, Toys R' Us, Krogers, Shoppers, Safeway, Bloom, and many other nation-wide companies were promptly contracted as the President sent out National Guardsmen (those who hadn't succumbed to the emerging Zombie epidemic) to establish tentative contact with privately-owned coffee shops, groceries, and toy stores across the nation. Those few trades who made it to the New York Stock Exchange reported record gains in those companies' stocks when news of the negotiations was leaked.
One such coffee shop was the Easy Chair Coffee Shop, located in the University Mall of Blacksburg, Virginia. "When we heard the plan, we thought it was crazy," Russell Chisholm, one of the popular shop's co-founders, stated in an interview, "but then they started breaking through our glass windows. If we hadn't of had our bookstore under construction next door, I don't know how we could've found enough equipment to barricade ourselves safely in time. When Starbucks moved in across the street, I never thought something like this would happen."
"But if it wasn't for Kany [Park] of Sushi Factory coming in early, we wouldn't have made it even that far," Chisholm admitted. "Who knew that sushi chef was secretly a ninja?"
Many studios are currently seeking rights from Chisholm as well as Park, whose standard work uniform is a headband and Gi, for a movie deal.
Luckily for Blacksburg, Starbucks was a recent addition to the campus town, many students taking classes over the summer already knew how to get their daily brew from other sources. The majority of the zombies were composed of Freshman and Sophomore students, as well as some non-students who had recently moved into the area. Many still avoided this fate by contacting fellow students, asking desperately for help. Virginia Tech has always been a close-knit community, and at times like that, they grew closer than ever, supporting each other through the crisis. Another source reported that, luckily, many students got up late enough that alternate sources of caffeine were prepared well in advance, thus lowering the number of zombies that emerged in Blacksburg.
While statistics like those were typical of college towns with summer classes, many other cities were in grave danger of mass extinction. Finally, with contact established, Operation "Shot of Caffeine" began at 12:48 PM EST. Armed with their Super Soakers filled with a mixture of blood and caffeinated drinks, National Guardsmen and volunteers alike finally struck back.
Some sharpshooters were able to fire the concoction straight into a Zombie's mouth, returning the Zombie back to normal. Others could only create a trail of blood for Zombies to follow, so that they could be led to vats of the mixture to be cured. In cases of large Zombie mobs, air drops were the only solution.
By the time the sun set at approximately 8:34 PM EST, it was over. The survivors could finally emerge safely and pick through the wrecks that were once their hometowns. Many communities were still devastated, and now a few weeks later, many have not even begun their recovery. However, the Red Cross is reporting record numbers of blood donations.
The only towns left unscathed were ones with a fully Amish population, or those without a local Starbucks. As of now, Starbucks is the source of thousands of class-action lawsuits and is reportedly contemplating bankruptcy. Already, there are many local start-ups attempting to fill in the gaps that the loss of Starbucks has left behind.
We will continue to report on this story as it develops. The aftermath of the Zombie Apocalypse shall be felt far and wide, both in the United States and beyond, for many, many years to come.
By Thomas A. Thompson
At approximately 7:31 AM EST on Wednesday, June 13th, 2007, the last Starbucks ran out of its expensive, over-caffeinated drinks. A grossly negligent shipping error caused massed confusion a few days prior, ending with all of Starbucks' supplies being dumped in the Atlantic. Within a half hour, people began to succumb. At approximately 8:05 AM EST, the first zombie emerged from her car.
After being shotgunned down by a passing officer, an autopsy on the former Margaret Brown, 33, revealed that she had been dead for years, and the only thing that had kept her body still moving had been the two Grande Mocha Lattes she ordered every morning. A crisis was looming, as more and more formerly caffeinated bodies fell victim to a Zombie state, roaming around and attacking anyone with any sort of beverage in their hands. Because of the early morning hours, most people only had their drinks in hand and had barely drank from them, so many victims were eaten futilely, as the zombies were not returned to their former life-like states.
The President was informed of the impending crisis at approximately 10:03 AM EST whilst in a meeting with his Cabinet. Not quite understanding the situation, he asked why didn't the public just head to the privately owned coffee shops. "They would," the secret service agent reportedly said, "if they knew how to order, Mr. President."
Bush realized he needed to act quickly before the situation grew out of control. But it was already too late--Secretary of Agriculture, Michael O. Johanns, rose from his seat and lunged for the President's jugular. It was only a streak of dumb luck that saved the President from an early death--Bush merely pulled out the shotgun he always had hidden under his chair and shot the zombie in the face. "Good shooting, sir!" Cheney exclaimed, and then the Cabinet began to quickly discuss the situation at hand.
It was decided that if people could not order from their local privately-owned coffee shops, then the government would have to order for them. The Red Cross, KB Toys, Toys R' Us, Krogers, Shoppers, Safeway, Bloom, and many other nation-wide companies were promptly contracted as the President sent out National Guardsmen (those who hadn't succumbed to the emerging Zombie epidemic) to establish tentative contact with privately-owned coffee shops, groceries, and toy stores across the nation. Those few trades who made it to the New York Stock Exchange reported record gains in those companies' stocks when news of the negotiations was leaked.
One such coffee shop was the Easy Chair Coffee Shop, located in the University Mall of Blacksburg, Virginia. "When we heard the plan, we thought it was crazy," Russell Chisholm, one of the popular shop's co-founders, stated in an interview, "but then they started breaking through our glass windows. If we hadn't of had our bookstore under construction next door, I don't know how we could've found enough equipment to barricade ourselves safely in time. When Starbucks moved in across the street, I never thought something like this would happen."
"But if it wasn't for Kany [Park] of Sushi Factory coming in early, we wouldn't have made it even that far," Chisholm admitted. "Who knew that sushi chef was secretly a ninja?"
Many studios are currently seeking rights from Chisholm as well as Park, whose standard work uniform is a headband and Gi, for a movie deal.
Luckily for Blacksburg, Starbucks was a recent addition to the campus town, many students taking classes over the summer already knew how to get their daily brew from other sources. The majority of the zombies were composed of Freshman and Sophomore students, as well as some non-students who had recently moved into the area. Many still avoided this fate by contacting fellow students, asking desperately for help. Virginia Tech has always been a close-knit community, and at times like that, they grew closer than ever, supporting each other through the crisis. Another source reported that, luckily, many students got up late enough that alternate sources of caffeine were prepared well in advance, thus lowering the number of zombies that emerged in Blacksburg.
While statistics like those were typical of college towns with summer classes, many other cities were in grave danger of mass extinction. Finally, with contact established, Operation "Shot of Caffeine" began at 12:48 PM EST. Armed with their Super Soakers filled with a mixture of blood and caffeinated drinks, National Guardsmen and volunteers alike finally struck back.
Some sharpshooters were able to fire the concoction straight into a Zombie's mouth, returning the Zombie back to normal. Others could only create a trail of blood for Zombies to follow, so that they could be led to vats of the mixture to be cured. In cases of large Zombie mobs, air drops were the only solution.
By the time the sun set at approximately 8:34 PM EST, it was over. The survivors could finally emerge safely and pick through the wrecks that were once their hometowns. Many communities were still devastated, and now a few weeks later, many have not even begun their recovery. However, the Red Cross is reporting record numbers of blood donations.
The only towns left unscathed were ones with a fully Amish population, or those without a local Starbucks. As of now, Starbucks is the source of thousands of class-action lawsuits and is reportedly contemplating bankruptcy. Already, there are many local start-ups attempting to fill in the gaps that the loss of Starbucks has left behind.
We will continue to report on this story as it develops. The aftermath of the Zombie Apocalypse shall be felt far and wide, both in the United States and beyond, for many, many years to come.
